The NICU doesn't get easier

We spent 38 days in the NICU altogether. I really don't know what to say about it except that it seemed like a lifetime. As a new mom, it was the hardest thing for me to do to leave them there every night. They just needed their mommy. They needed to know they were loved and cherished. They needed those IV's and tubes out. It was heart wrenching to see them poked and prodded every day, bruised and swollen, feeding through tubes, sleeping in isolettes, cared for by different people, unable to be together anymore. I wanted to eat, sleep and shower there. I was so happy to see them and so depressed when I had to leave and make the tiring trek back home. I traveled by subway, worried about swine flu, muscles worked to fatigue every day trying to get me there and back after what I had just been through."You do it because you have no other choice," my chiropractor said when she was in awe of how I was walking so soon after a c-section, let alone taking subways and carrying a backpack. I was on a 2 hour pumping schedule to produce enough milk for both of them, and it had worked brilliantly so far! I would sit by their bedsides watching the constant rotation of staff: doctors, physical therapists, specialists, lactation consultants, speech therapists, psychologists, social workers, nurses and anyone else who wanted to talk to me and keep me from my main focus. My goal for the day was the same: spend the entire day kangarooing. Mommy and baby would be in bliss, transported out of the NICU for those precious moments. I just wanted this stage to end... it is not an easy thing to have to go through.